Middle Wife’ by a 2nd grade Teacher.

I have been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they are welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother and I am going to tell yo u about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She is standing there with her hands on the pillow and I am trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement..

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she does not have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of wat er she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting but never even got past ten then all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I am sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it is show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

 

_______________________________

Title of motherhood

A woman named Emily renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. “What I mean is,” explained the recorder, “do you have a job, or are you just a …..?

“Of course I have a job,” snapped Emily. “I’m a Mom.”

“We don’t list ‘Mom’ as an occupation… ‘housewife’ covers it,” said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.”

“What is your occupation?” she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know… The words simply popped out.

“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,

“I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn’t), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).  I’m working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?), and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.”

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants — ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!

And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another Mom.”

Motherhood…..What a glorious career! Especially when there’s a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations” and great-grandmothers

“Executive Senior Research Associates”?

I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts “Associate Research Assistants”.